NEW BLOG! YAY

I got a new blog up and running. I wanted to share my view on world events and such so I decided to share my thoughts on such. My twisted fucked up of way of seeing things. It should be entertaing check it out
The Sand Gnat Reporter

Code Name: red_headed_kitten

Do you know how many fucking wierdo's there are in this world? As i've found quite a few and some disturbe me, really really disturbe me. I learned this one day being bored at home. Internet pron had served it's purpose and nothing was on tv so i decided to surf the net. I wanted to do something that would entertain me for a while but was running low on ideas and then it hit me. CHAT ROOMS! Now I know what you're saying "chat rooms! WTF?" and normaly I would agree but when you go into a chat room with the picture and profile saying you're a 19yo skinny 5' 6" red headed female with a C cup, it turns into an adventure. Below are what follows of the adventures of Code Name: red_headed_kitten.

I turned away one guy rather quickly. Let' see why

thehandle101: hiya...
red_headed_kitten: hi there
thehandle101: how are you?
red_headed_kitten: I've been better
thehandle101: what's up?
red_headed_kitten: just got home from the hospital again.
thehandle101: how come?
red_headed_kitten: ob/gyn visits. so much fun
thehandle101: not...
red_headed_kitten: especially when you have to get a painfull shot at the end
thehandle101 left the room

Think he figured out where I was going with this. Now on to contestent number 2. Seeing as his name was persian_1 I figured he was a cat person.

persian_1: hey
red_headed_kitten: hello
persian_1: hows it goin?
red_headed_kitten: good
persian_1: so where r u from?
red_headed_kitten: origanally colorado
persian_1: cool
persian_1: so what r u doin
red_headed_kitten: cleaning house
persian_1: oh ok
red_headed_kitten: all my cats tend to make a mess
persian_1: thats not good
red_headed_kitten: no it's not but i love them
persian_1: i have a cat
persian_1: he's a cutie lol
red_headed_kitten: i have ten
persian_1: wow
persian_1 left the room
Well I guess I was wrong. I din't think ten cats was all that many. Now from here it starts getting wierder. After just like ten minute in this chat room seemed like every guy in there wanted to talk "privately" to me. And sure enough it was also straight to sex. There were so many i just didn't answer some of them. But those it did...oh boy. lets continue shall we. Now contestent number 3 was really fucking wierd. Take a look.

Now at this point in the conversation I had been talking to him a bit and it was all the normal sex stuff but before i could get to the point where i could start screwing with his mind, he went done a road I wasn't suspecting.
dtfan319: mmm u do anal
red_headed_kitten: a few times, not a big fan of it. Having a streched out hole makes it harder for stuff not to leak out. Most men don't know that
dtfan319: spit or swallow
red_headed_kitten: depends
dtfan319: how many fingers can you get in your pussy
red_headed_kitten: three at the moment
dtfan319: mm how many guys have you fucked in your life
red_headed_kitten: a few, i never kept up on numbers. But i do like sex
dtfan319: oldest guy?
red_headed_kitten: late forties i think
red_headed_kitten: he was hot
dtfan319: howd you know him
red_headed_kitten: i met him at a club

And here it starts.

dtfan319: how many of your teachers did you fuck when you were in school
red_headed_kitten: one almost two
dtfan319: did you fuck him in front of the class
red_headed_kitten: no but it was in his car in the parking lot. I wanted to do it at his house but his wife was home
dtfan319: nice. ever fuck anyone in your family

WTF? But I roll with it

red_headed_kitten: no, never done that. At least i don't think so
dtfan319: would u
red_headed_kitten: i don't know. I guess my step-dad. he ain't bad looking. never knew my real one
dtfan319: do you have a blood bro

He left right after that and said he would be back. But i didn't wait. I wasn't sure if i really wanted to see just how fucked up this guy was. Now the next guy showed me that no mater how fucked a chick is they still want to fuck here. Now as before this guy was talking about normal sex shit. Licking, fingering and all that shit and I got bored very quickly. I actually don't know what is so fun about cyber sex. No wonder chicks never do that shit but guys get off on it for some reason. Lets see if I can kill his sex drive
red_headed_kitten: fuck softly, i like it hard
deadlift505: i sldie it in hard
red_headed_kitten: oh yeah, just like that
deadlift505: i go in depeer with it
red_headed_kitten: as deep as you can
deadlift505: i think i can get my hand in
red_headed_kitten: you should be able to, my st. bernard gets all the way in there
deadlift505: i sldie my hand in

Did you see my last line cause apperently he didn't. Totaly bypassed the my dog fucks me line and carries on. Wow. But it does not end there.


deadlift505: i go in alittl more
red_headed_kitten: oh right there
deadlift505: i start to rub it
red_headed_kitten: oh shit i got to go. My dog is loose in the house again. The last time i was like this he tried to mount me the wrong way
deadlift505: ewwwww
red_headed_kitten: if he gets it right he ain't bad but being a little blind he tends to miss the target and get the wrong one
deadlift505: why dont you just finger fuck your self
red_headed_kitten: because a dick is better and i will take what i can get
deadlift505: ever been ass fucked
red_headed_kitten: not volentaraly, like i said he keeps getting the wrong hole latly
deadlift505: can i finger it for you
red_headed_kitten: sure, i think it can take it

I left shortly after that. i began to think there was no way to creep this guy out. I mean come on. I talk about being ass raped by a dog and he continues. seriesly WTF? But the las guy tops the cake.

red_headed_kitten: today wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the hangover i've had to day. I have no energy to go anywhere
Irish_Stud88: yeah that sucks
red_headed_kitten: last night was fun, wish I could remember most of it though
Irish_Stud88: yeah
Irish_Stud88: well me and u had sex i left after u made breakfast (I snicker)
red_headed_kitten: well that would explain why i can't find my panties i was wearing last night
Irish_Stud88: i took them sorry
Irish_Stud88: u had some good smelling pussy (the only pussy this guy smells is his own)
red_headed_kitten: oh thank you
Irish_Stud88: ur welcome
Irish_Stud88: i loved it
Irish_Stud88: it was some good
red_headed_kitten: I'm glad. Well at least now i know who i slept with. I was begging to wonder who it was. I know it happened after my table dancing last night
Irish_Stud88: yup
Irish_Stud88: and then we got it on like fucking donkey kong (so you threw barrels at me?)
red_headed_kitten: no wonder it is sore today
Irish_Stud88: yup
Irish_Stud88: well i really do have a huge dick though (as compare to what, a dust mite?)
Irish_Stud88: so yeah if we really did then u would be
red_headed_kitten: I havne't been this sore since my last abortion
Irish_Stud88: hahahaha
red_headed_kitten: it would be funny if it wasn't true, no one tells you how painfull they are.
Irish_Stud88: i do (So had some abortions done on you to eh, what type of sex you been doing?)

So I hint to him that I've had more than one abortion and it appears to turn him on. EEWWW

Irish_Stud88: cuz i like to show it off
red_headed_kitten: what you like to show off
Irish_Stud88: my dick
red_headed_kitten: oh rly
Irish_Stud88: yeah
red_headed_kitten: what fun
Irish_Stud88: yup
Irish_Stud88: well i dont just show it off but people dont belive me when they ask and then i just show them
red_headed_kitten: I know i was showing mine last night
Irish_Stud88: wtf
red_headed_kitten: well it was a sex toy party me and my bff's put together
Irish_Stud88: oh thats pretty gay
Irish_Stud88: u use it on ur bf dont u
red_headed_kitten: well....just a couple of times. He would get drunk and ask me too. He eventualy left me for a tranny (NOT JOKING) (And yes he fell for that line)
Irish_Stud88: wtf
Irish_Stud88: thats fucked up
Irish_Stud88: u have a dick(I say sex toys and he assumes I have a real dick. WOW)
red_headed_kitten: no silly. it was a strap on. I do got a large clit though
Irish_Stud88: ur bf is a faggot and should die (And here he just pissed me off. I don't like people like this)
red_headed_kitten: he was weird, but could make me scream though
Irish_Stud88: umm
Irish_Stud88: i dont care
Irish_Stud88: if i aint fucvking u io dont want to hear about it
red_headed_kitten: oh agressive
Irish_Stud88: yup
Irish_Stud88: maybe me and u and another girl (Like you can even get one girl)
Irish_Stud88: sounds good
Irish_Stud88: but if ur bf comes near ill beat the shit out of him
red_headed_kitten: well a he/she thing is doing that to his ass right now probably. Every one was right, wierd people do go to college
Irish_Stud88: hes a tranny
red_headed_kitten: no what he left me for was. Really fucked up aint it
Irish_Stud88: yup
red_headed_kitten: he left college after that, some how the word got out about it. i don't know how
Irish_Stud88: well me and u need to get together (Oh I don't think you want that)
Irish_Stud88: fuck that gay nigger (Yeah....people like this need lobotomies...from the neck up)

Irish_Stud88: 810 223 8229 (his reall number. People make sure as many telemarketers get this number as possible. Let the spamming begin)
Irish_Stud88: call me tonight
Irish_Stud88: ]if u want
red_headed_kitten: if i do it will be late. I work the long shift tonight. bachelor party planned (told him I waitress at a strip club cause I fail at the pole part)
Irish_Stud88: thats alright
Irish_Stud88: as long as i get to hear that dildo in ur pussy (oh you will be getting called all right. Did you know your car warranty is about to expire)


So that was fun. I have now realised just how fucked up guys are. I mean come on, I talk about getting rapped by a dog in the ass and having a boyfriend that liked it in the ass by a tranny AND THEY STILL WANT MORE. I mean come on what does it take to turn a guy off. Well why I ponder this some more it's time for more internet porn.

U Of I Road Trip

Any college area is bound full of bars for all types and college students pride themselves and their ability to consume mass amounts at said bars. Every bar will have something different for them. Beer pong tables, bell ringing for shots, bag toss for shots, you name it they have it. And in my vast experience of being around professional drinkers I can honestly say one thing about college students. THEY AIN"T SHIT. I mean come on I blacked out and woke up with my dick pierced for crying out loud. And going down to U of I just proved this to me.

It was a long weekend off for me and a couple of my buddies and being as that we were only a couple of hours away Champaign-Urbana we decided to head down there and visit one of my buddies boys from when they were both in the military. The planned seemed solid since there wasn't shit else to do and partying in a college area is usualy always fun. Sure it was a bit of a drive but at least on the way down there I made an important discovery that I am proud of to this day. Squirt and tequilla taste like a very cheap margarita. It's awesome.

Now before I go on, let me explain a little about my friend and his ex-military buddy so you know what type of night I stepped into. Not to long before I met my friend he had gone on a trip to Vegas with his friend while they were both on leave. Everything went great for them, drinking gambling, and loads of sex with women they could care less about. Well towards the end of the trip they meet up with some chicks inside one of the casino's that were just wanting to be all over them, or just have them all up in them depending on how you look at it. It took absulootly no game what so ever to pull these chicks numbers, it was almost like they had them pre-written. They were told to give them a call after a bit so that they could get ready to go out with them. All seemed to be heading the right way to do some very wrong things.

Well about a little over an hour later they call them and are told to meet over by one of the side exits to the casino. They headed on over to the location and eargerly exited the casino. But instead of being greated by the two women they got a very different surprise. Now I want you to ponder for a moment and just who actually met them out side. Did you guess jeloues boyfriends? Wrong. Angry husbands? Nope. Possibly a few guys that loured them outside to rob and or rape them? Not even close. When those two walked outside they were greated a bunch of little red dots painting their bodies and of police/FBI agents at the other end of those dots yelling different variations of the same basic thing "Get on the ground or die". Needless to say the duo are a little shocked.

Now at this point they are cuffed and then left in the kneeling position while one officer looks at their ID's and then looks at my friend and tells him "you know, in a minute you're really going to find this funny" and then looks at my friends buddy and ask who my buddy looks like that is really famous right now. And his resposne is classic. He looks over at him then back at the officer and say "What the fuck did Collin Ferrell do?"

Now if yall remember back here a couple years ago there was that marine that committed murder, burned the body and then went on the run and billboards were put up advertising said event with his picture on it. A bunch of people seen that picture and that night all those people were in the same casino that they were in. And tips flowed into the cops with all these people hearing their military talk and seeing his resemblence to said marine. So the cops sent in two females and baited the two of them hook line and sinker.

So when I head out to hang out with these guys for the weekend I know that I'm in for at least one wild night. And sure enough the they didn't let me down

TO BE CONTINUED

Hi. My name is CAPT. Zack and I am an asshole.

There have been many things in my life that I'm sure have gotten me a nice and deserving short stay in hell upon my demise. While I don't think none of the things I have done have quite earned me a permanent rent free residence down there, I do know that motel 666 has a short stay room reserved for me and not only that but started to give the reputation of an asshole. And since I have done so many things I felt the urge to list a few of my favorite things that I have branded me an asshole.

1. If for no other reason that I am going to hell it would be this one. The drunken Hong Kong photo with the homeless, de-formed, burn victim. I was so trashed that I could not let a photo opportunity like that. At the time it seemed like it would have made the coolest pic to post online and show the world. However, upon sobering up and seeing the photo the next morning, I instantly started to feel my skin burn on the inside.

2. My drunken game of hide-n-seek Jesus earns me a short stay too. A random person at a bar sees how drunk I am and tells me that I'm a young man and should stop drinking as much and find Jesus. And I go off on her telling her that I can't find him cause he is just to good at hide and seek and then taking off running like a maniac screaming "Come Back Jesus"

3. Mooning the sky and screaming "Bring the pain bitch, you ain't got shit". Yep blaspheming sure works to get you down there.

4. Anal sex, specifically the non-consensual type. You know where you're going at it and then get the urge to give her a little surprise. Talk about an "O" face, and O SHIT face.

5. Pissing on several peoples cars. The only plus note to that is that at least I wasn't the only one that night doing it. So many people opened their doors to their cars never knowing what was on their handles. Well one guy probably figured it out once he got in the car since I actually had a good enough flow to arc it over the car and into his open sunroof.

6.sticking mannequins of naked men into another dudes rack. Nothing to freak you out more than pulling open the curtain to your bed and finding a naked guy doll with a pedo smile holding its junk. Although not really hell worthy, definitely asshole worthy.

7.An obsession with midget porn/urge to sleep with a midget. So many questions, so little time. I damn near had a heart attack when Bridget the Midget stripped at a local sleep club. To bad I could not Talk anyone into going. Am I the only one who wants to see a midget naked?

The Source Of All Evil

There comes a point in ones life when you realise that your life is no longer under your control. What you want to do, where you want to go, what time you want to wake up, it goes goes straight out the window. And the saddest part is you willing go into a situation WILLINGLY. By now you probably know what I'm talking about. The most inevitable side of life, the girlfriend. And for those of you whose jaws just dropped while saying "Someone actually wants to date....him?!?" go fuck yourselves. Actually now that I think about it, it kinda amazes me. But back to the subject. I have apparently given over full ownership of my testicles, and a better portion of my spine, to someone else. But as it turns out my balls aren't only owned by just one other person.

While I was home on vacation before I moved to my new location I spent a lot of time with my girlfriend as any guy who has been not getting any for a long period of time would. And much to my dismay i didn't get a lot of "any" thanks in turn to her little cousin. Kinda hard to do the maneuvers when a little kid is jumping up and down on the couch, and landing on my nuts in the process. Twice! But any who what little play i did get I really really enjoyed. No matter how much I suck at it. And during the rest of my time i did what any one else would want to do on there vacation from work. Sleep in, eat and repeat. Oh and not to mention beer pong about every other night.

About four days left of my vacation left before flying across country to a state a have never been in and begin work again. I stay the night at at her place and enjoy all the niceties of not having a hyperactive five year old play trampoline on my balls. I don't care if it wasn't intentional, it still fucking hurts. Well the next morning for some fucking reason, everyone got up early for some reason. Well every but me, I'll be damned if my ass is getting up at 8 o'clock in the morning on my vacation. Well as it turned out I would be damned, and damned hard.

Well she wanted me up, I didn't want up so this created a conflict of interest. She ask me to get, That didn't work. She tried to pull me off the couch, that really didn't work. She tried to tip the couch, well that kinda worked but I got an iron spiderman grip and stuck to that couch like a bad fart sticks to your nostrils. So in the absence of all other options she did the unthinkable. She texted my mother for advice.

Let me give you a little background information and why those two texting means bad juju for me. When ever i screw up and some how piss one of the two of them off, don't know how I could ever piss any one off but it happens. So in order to get back at me, the one that is angry, or just wanting to see me in some sort of pain, they will text the other one to slap me or some how berate me. So when I least expect it, I get slapped, hit, bit or some other way of inflicting some sort of pain. So when I see those phones come out, I get a little nervous. They have conversations about me I know nothing about what they are about but they always snicker about them. Another thing that makes me nervous. In fact the mere fact they get along so well kinda scares me. But back to the texted advice.

As I lay there on the couch trying to enjoy what little sleep I can sneak in between the sleep sabotage attempts, I start to panic inside when I see here text and then laugh at the response. And here is where my life truly goes down the shitter. My mothers response could not have been more horrible and definitely more un-motherly than I could have imagined. The response "Cut him off". I just got cut off from sex from my girlfriend via my own mother. Who mother does that. Whose mother is truly evil enough that they have there own sons girlfriend cut them off from sex. My mother, that's who. Only in my twisted little world could something like this happen. I mean come on, has any one out there been cut off from sex with there significant other via there mother. This is really fucked up. This women has way to much power, and she's using it for pure evil. Pure evil I say

The sad thing is as of writing this my mother still hasn't given here the go ahead to sleep with me again, so I'm still cut off. And she won't disobey my mother, ow no. She says she has to listen to my mother. I don't see why, it means pain for me. Fuck my life.

It All Makes Sense Now: Volume 1

Seeing as how I have plenty of stories pertaining to all the fucked up shit that I have done/done to me/been around when shit is done I figure it's time to give some in site into the fact that I was screwed well before my parents screwed, or I was swallowed which would explain why I'm a good swimmer.

Years ago in the wonderful country of Germany, land of glorious beer and my birth (dad was Air Force), my parents were out at a party of some friends theirs. It was a typical party in that there was a lot of beer and drunk people and drunk people drinking beer. A lot of the details that happened during the party are unknown to me since I wasn't a doomed fetus yet. But the details of the party are not what is important here (for once), it is actually what happened after the party while every body was sleeping that is the highlight this time.

Some time in the late night or early morning my father woke up my mother when he got out of the bed they were sleeping in. When questioned about what he was doing he replied that he was going to the bathroom. Fair enough given that he was drinking beer all night long so my mother didn't really think anything of it. At least not until he walked over to the closet in the home owner kids room the were staying in. He proceeded to slide open the door and then began to relieve himself all over kid sized shoes. And this would be the point where my mother flipped out.

She yelled and asked him what the hell he was doing and he gave the best answer he could. He was going to the bathroom. Upon being informed that it was not the bathroom toilet but was in fact the kids closet he replied "Oh" and then left the room. But he didn't head for the bathroom, oh no. He continued walking until he reached none other than the beer cooler itself, opened it up, finished the job and then went back to bed.

The next morning my mother asked him is he remembered getting up and of course he didn't. If you haven't figured it out by now, he was sleep walking. Well needless to say the owner of the house was a little pissed off. He went off on my mother on how he was going to have to buy new shoes, cloths and what not cause my father pissed all over them. The best part was is that in the middle of that rant he reached into the beer cooler and opened himself up a nice brewskie. Actually the best part is no one warned him until he was on his second one when some one yelled "Don't drink that, he pissed all over them last night."

I think my problems might be genetic, what do you think?

Origin of Negative Jackrabbit

For once I am actually going to write about something that, although is fucking hilarious, is not about me for a change. No this time i get to enjoy in some one else's misery and rub in their faces. Pay backs a bitch!

Here not that long ago I had a shitty week. Doesn't really differ from any other week except this time, while working in a hospital I had a patient rip out his IV in a fit of rage. Normally I wouldn't care except this asshole managed to get a drop of his fucking blood in my fucking eye. Say hello to blood work every three months for a year. So to celebrate my shitty luck once again me and a few others go out. I only have a couple of drinks and head back early. Beer for some reason was just not improving my shitty mood. I figured sleep would help.

The next day I did wake up feeling better. Still not over the events of the day before but oh well. I can't change them might as well move on. So later that night i head out to the bar on base. By bar I mean bowling alley that serves beer. I'm outside for a while hanging with Bulldog Who Runs With Chickens and another chick when some other girl to school sits by me. She is wasted beyond a logical doubt. I find out the her 21st was the day before and she is celebrating it well. So I order a few drinks for me because of it. i would buy them for her but then again how would that get me drunk.

So after a bit the other gall I know there tells me that we are all going to a hotel and the drunk chick wants to join. I know what this means. I'm getting laid. YAY. So sure enough after feeding lines to her boyfriend type guy and getting out of there we end up at the hotel. Not sure what one it was since I was pretty drunk by then too. Once there it don't take long for my cloths to come off. her on the other hand does take a tad bit to long since she lacked the coordination to do so. But after that hurdle was done I got down to business, for about an hour and then I went to sleep. Didn't really need anything else at that point.

Next morning she got drove back and I slept off my hangover as usual. Once the gall that drove her back comes back to the hotel I find out that for once, and probably the last, that I was "Awesome, best sex I have ever had." Her words not mine yall. Oh yeah. Now I probably can't have sex ever again for fear of ruining that. I would rather go out on a high note.

Now you're probably wondering what this qualifies as as me making fun of some one else. Well I'm getting to that part now.

That first night that I left that bar early to get some sleep, one of my buddies hooked up with another chick we both know. Now imagine if you will a Mexican midget that speaks absolutely no Spanish and you have my buddy. The two of them and Bulldog Who Runs With Chickens and his chick end up in the same room. From here on out was all related to me from Bulldog while trying not to cry to much from laughter. The midget dude starting going at it like a jackrabbit offspring of the energizer bunny that OD'ed on Viagra. he was hammering it in like an over wound wind up toy. After a bit he finishes up, stops and asks her "Was that good enough for you?" And her response could not have been worse.


"Um......Negative"


Just so you know I'm trying not to cry from the laughter I'm holding in while writing this. I ran into that chick the following Monday and asked her about it. She told me he wasn't even close. I laughed harder. I have the worst luck on this planet and I get an awesome and he gets a negative. As long as I shall live he will never live this down and will forever be known as Negative Jackrabbit.